October 25, 2010

Happy 21st!

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看着蛋糕上插上的21蜡烛,才真正感受到自己已是21岁大人的那份真实感。仔细回想起2010的点点滴滴,不难发现2010对我来说,是很艰辛的一年。今年走遍了每个人生中的低潮,每一波的难关都好像再重复地告诉着我,这,也许就是生活的意义。

在人际关系上,我开始变得更宽容,我选择把有杀伤力的事情都通通忘掉,只求别人给我一些歇息的空间。遇到不想见到的人,我学会了已微笑带过一切,也已微笑结束一切。人若要变得更圆滑,就必须不断地挑战自己的忍耐力才能够把无关紧要的话都不放在心上,只有真正的不在乎,才会刀枪不入。人若要变得更坚强,就必须经历更多才能够锻炼出那粒坚固无比的内丹。

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在亲情与友情的经营上,我学会了付出与行动。一直以来,我都很珍惜与家人与BFF的点点滴滴,因为他们就是我内心真正的归属。今年暑假的所有时间都几乎跟他们一起过的,无论是与小侄女侄子的卡通时间,一家人的聚餐,帮狗狗洗澡抓狗骚,BFF的饮茶聚会与旅行,我都很珍惜,因为知道美好的光阴虽美好但也很短暂,所以一直都很珍惜。

幸福是属于懂得包容与付出的人,所以拥有了就必须要双倍地付出,才能够得到持之以恒的幸福。每个人都需要别人的关心,哪怕只是简单的一句谢谢,对不起,好好照顾自己,这些细小的关怀都会无形间拉近彼此的关系,所以绝对不要因为事小而不为。我重新评价了与一些朋友之间的友情,开始把他们归类在生命中不同的区域里,也开始把时间都花在不同的朋友身上,希望能借此扩展自己的视野。对于真挚的友情,我多了一份熟悉,学会更踏实地对自己在乎的人付出更多,并珍惜每一次的美好。对于那些说不上很珍贵的友情,我少了一份期待,就让它们静静地摆放在原地就好。

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在学业上,我花了很多时间去尽最大的努力,只希望我的付出能得到好的回报。我开始了解,任何事情都会随着时间而改变,但学业却是能以努力换取的保障,能以努力增加知识的版图,所以我开始为将来做好准备,好好地充实自己。今年,我也花了很多时间用心地经营自己,并努力地达到自己心目中的要求。我相信自我经营才是最聪明的投资,因为只有真正了解自己的需要与兴趣才能更明确地去追求自己的目标。

至于感情,一直都是我内心最弱的一块。今年狠狠地在感情世界里摔了一跤,勉强自己去接受那些难以置信的事实。我不知道该怎么去定义自己的爱情观,也不知该怎么诉说自己的经历,我只是觉得,感情一直都不是单凭付出与等待就能够开花结果的事情。曾经有一段日子,我每天都望着大海,看着日落,对于可以不可以,该与不该做的事情挣扎了很久。默默承受了很久,到最后才发现自己还真的是傻的彻底,因为自己一直都只是他的第二顺位,所以就连生气的资格也没有。我只是让自己有所期待,让自己觉得暧昧是希望,错觉是机会。当时真的觉得自己很卑微,卑微地忽略了可以令自己更开心的生活,卑微地委屈就全,却又无法捍卫自己的感情。我不再勉强自己继续待在他世界的边缘,所以我选择祝福,也选择离开,因为这是我唯一能给的宽容。感情,对我来说,永远都会是一个难题,也许有一天,我会鼓起勇气再去解开这难题。

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自己的难题,自己解决,
自己的心情,自己整理,
自己的疼痛,自己埋葬

我能做的,就是咬着牙自己对自己说,坚持下去。

今年是我第一次在温哥华真正庆祝生日,真心感受到了身边每一位朋友的祝福。有时候,我觉得每一次的机会都得来不易,有些人会是过客,有些人会是普通朋友,有些人会永远留在你身边,只是无论结果是如何,我依然觉得,我是幸福的孩子。

今年最大的收获,就是我把一个全新的自己送给了自己。希望这一个不断蜕变的自己能够一直坚持下去,享受每一份美好,熬过每一个难关。

今年生日唯一的愿望是为爸而许的,希望他能赶快好起来。

其他的,都显得不重要了。

October 17, 2010

良药苦口

So after struggling with myself for 1.5 months, I finally gave in and visited doctor last week to cure my illness. I was very nervous before seeing the doctor since it was my first time turning to a traditional Chinese practitioner. I’m just not convinced that pills may help to improve my appetite in this case.

The first thing the doctor did was to check on my pulse before asking me anything. He continued asking me about a few symptoms to have better understanding on my health condition. Then, he told me something I've never expected to have happened to me.He said, my appetite was strongly influenced by my emotions. He continued saying that the unstable emotions in me may be due to overly stressing myself or depression since these negative emotions will affect my liver and further influences my appetite. I was speechless for a while because the illness started way before the trough of my life. However, I should be convinced by his professionalism since I came all the way to him just to give it a try.

He got me into thinking what is my actual problem? Although I get my moody and stressed up at times,I never abuse my stomach in such a way before, especially when I’m a person who's studying about food. Since I can't think of a reason, I heed to his advice and tried to free myself from stress as much as possible.

He also gave me 4 packets of Chinese herbs which I had no idea what the ingredients were and asked me to drink it twice a day for 4 days. I’ve been drinking it for 3 days so far and it definitely tastes awful, so awful that the scent of kills and spreads around the whole unit up to 3rd floor.

Even the appearance itself looks unpleasant.

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At the same time, I’m also consuming Antacid-Calcium supplement my friend got me. I don’t know which method actually works but I eventually find myself better at adapting slightly-oily and tasty food again. Thank God I could at least have a fine dining on my birthday without feeling unwell.

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Don’t worry my friends, I will do my best to eat more and more to compensate with the nutrient loss.

October 09, 2010

My umbrella, ella ella ella

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Changing at least one umbrella per year is definitely not a joke in my life, as my umbrella seems to have this love-hate relationship with me. It’s either she gives up her life and stops servicing me, or she leaves me to another place.

Yar, so my second umbrella of the year disappears from my life again and for the first time, the mistake was caused by me. I left it under my chair after the break.The thing is, I didn’t even buy the umbrella itself since the umbrella was given by my friend who left my previous umbrella on the train, which seems to be so sarcastic now, because that just shows how dim my fate with umbrella is.

It’s now the time for my third umbrella this year, I sincerely hope that we will love each other more and spend longer time together this time.

October 06, 2010

10 things which make me smile ^_^

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My breakfast fruity loops smiles at me.

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Spent an awesome evening with bestie and watched a beautiful sunset together.

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Two beautiful flowers fell on us on our way to the beach.

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Jia Huey asked me to stop studying and go back home to play with her, followed by Eu Kenn telling me that he is a good boy on the phone.

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Following the direction my Mickey and Minnie are looking at.

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Finally received the birthday card I should have gotten a year ago.

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A pretty photo with the BFFs.

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Seeing colourful things being put together.

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Reminiscing on my homestay experience in Japan.

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Listening to inspiring songs by my favourite Japanese band. Two of the members in the group are Canadians and they’re brothers.

I realized there’s no use in crying and it is always better to smile than to cry when something happens, so we shall direct our energy into making our lives better to no let everyone beside us worry. There’s also one thing I learn when I’m studying abroad, which is you have to keep yourself in the best condition whenever possible, and cheer yourself up immediately after a fall regardless what method you’re using. The point is, you have to get up soon, because there are still never-ending tasks waiting for you, because the world doesn’t revolve just for you, because there’s no point crying on the same matter over and over again without helping the situation. So, after wiping all the tears, I should start doing anything I can to make a difference.

Firstly, I should start with self-reflection and filter all the negativity in me.

跟自己说声对不起,因为很久没有好好的吃饭
跟自己说声对不起,因为我让自己不开心
跟自己说声对不起,因为悲伤麻烦了一些爱我的人
跟自己说声对不起,因为忘了提醒自己要好好照顾自己
最后,说完对不起之后,生活还在继续

After self-reflection, I will continue finding motivation from everything, there are so many things I really feel like doing now and I’ll find no accuse to procrastinate these things any further. Everyday will be a beautiful day to start with if I see things beautifully.

It’s a beautiful world, 宇宙に旅に出よう

October 02, 2010

Thank you for attending the events of my heart.

Past few weeks seemed like a nightmare to me as a string of unfortunate events happened to me, from eating disorder, diarrhea, weird mouse clicking sound, bee sting, till now… dad’s illness. Unfortunate things were lining up for me one after another immediately after I thought I got through a big one. I thought it was going to be a good new start on my way back to Vancouver, but looks like it’s just another journey towards another battle.

Perhaps we humans are constantly battling within ourselves journey after journey, we open the door, venture for a while, then we close the door and hop on to the next door and repeat the cycle again. Maybe, this is what we call as moving on.

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Really, this is what I’ve felt last week when my limit is pushed to a higher level and I couldn’t withstand the uneasiness in life. I feel a different level of pain so close to me that it doesn’t tear my heart into pieces, but I’m stunned for a few days without knowing what to do to keep my tears from falling down. It just intrudes my heart and strangles every of my nerves before I can further react on it.

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However, I understand something about friendship courtesy to these unfortunates in my life. Some little angels came to me with their warm hearts to light me up. Although they tease me and megabomb me, only I can feel the humour within it and the act of care. To me, teasing me consistently works way better than bringing me out on a treat or talking sweet to me occasionally. They remind me that we’re here to complement each other, for fun and for bun, for pain and for gain. That’s just how our friendships work.

“True friends will come to you naturally, you don’t really have to look for them. They will present if they want to.”

Thank you for the porridge, that’s the sweetest thing on earth for an eating disorder person.

Thank you for the medicine and suggestions, that’s the most practical way to get rid of diarrhea.

Thank you for all the physical and verbal hugs, these are my definitions of love and care.

Thank you for making fun of me just to make me laugh.

Thank you for the accompaniment,that’s the greatest thing in between words of silence.

I may not be in the right position now but I will get back to track soon.

Be optimistic, be tough, believe, and I will begin to see the miracle.