I always believe that friendship is a very pure and trustworthy relationship in life and should not be mess up for any reason.The reason why I do not have many friends is because all of them who stand beside me are already my close friends.I know that I am not lonely.It is not that I dislike mixing with new friends,but true friends are the golds to be appreaciated in life.It requires many years of understanding before one really gets closer to another,one can reads one's mind.
This friend is one who I've known for quite some time.I treat her as a good friend but she doesn't seem to appreaciate my love to her as a friend.I try my best to always put my manner as first when I talk to her because I do not want to throw a tanthrum on her,although she's the one who will really fire me up.I come to a point to realise her characteristics after knowing her for the second year.At that time,I do believe her in anything she does is not to harm me and hurt my feelings,maybe she thinks that I'm helpful..perhaps!!
Our conflicts become more and more problematic and my trust to her is decreasing gradually.The words she say can't go into my heart anymore,but it looks more like a needle which pokes through any of my organs.I try my best to help her without crossing my boundaries and principals,she will only remember me when it comes to small matters or when she's in help.She knows that I'll hardly reject her need.So,she not only expects me to fuifil every of her demand,but she starts to rush me and shows me the typical grumpy face whenever I can't do what she wants.I tell myself,am I really a true friend of her or just a good user of her?Does she really feel the same like what I feel for her?The first person she'll share her things will never be me but another of my friend.Told you,most of the time she turns to me is because of a problem,as though I'm a good problem solver.
Until my birthday came,I really do see how she thinks of our friendship.Last Sunday which was also my birthday,I received her sms.It was at the midnight of Sunday.My stupidity thought that she would send me a message to wish me.I was stupid enough to even think about that.When I opened the message and started to read her sms,I knew that I was really very wrong.She was confirming with me on when I can settle the things of her.I still couldn't see any wishes throughout the sms.I was not hoping that she would give me anything on my birthday,because I didn't expect her to do anything good just for me.But does she really need to be that mean ?
A simple message could allow me to see through so many things,our friendship lies openly in this message,our friendship lost to a sms,and also lost to the obstacles we have for each other.She lets me feel that no matter how hard I try,I just can't go through her heart and become her one true friend.Good friend is what she says,but I understand that good friend is just not as simple as her saying. It is not that I didn't try to build our friendship,but some of her acts really annoy me a whole lot.Sad enough,another of my friends tends to stand more on herside,and I will never win on my stand,never!Everyone just believes her,and I always lose out.She makes me feel that I'm a big loser.I lose to myself,lose to my believe to her.
I do not want to treat our friendship as a competition,where the winner wins in it.I do not want to think that out friendship is fragile,where loyalty and trustworthy always fail.I do not want to measure our friendship ,where the one with the greatest power tends to be the better.I just want to be a friend where we can share happiness together,not only do you remember me and look back to me when you fall apart.You will wave to me when you receive the greatest success and joyness in life.And you would not want to beat me in academic aspect simple because I beat you in a certain subject.I do not want to see our friendship to be so materialistic ,that everything is just based on help but not sharing.
Either you hate me or you think that I'm just too convenient and reachable,this is not what matters most,because just like what I say,once a user,forever a user.I'm just a too good user to you,where you use up every bit of me for your own good.You get the time to study comfortably where I'm rushing to finish up your things.What I think is so wrong last time,you've proved it all to me.You can't repay every drop of tears I fall for you,every help I did to you.I'll still smile to you but suppose you'll understand what has happened in past time,it's already happened.I tend to hear a voice,asking me to let go something which is a wrong beggining,is a wrong start at first,it is just that I wanted to prove that I was right,when I was wrong.
Mk,I do get what you meant in your latest post.I've gone through the similar experience.Maybe we are just too good users of the others,until it comes to an extreme where it bursts all out,just like that.Idiots will always stay the same no matter how hard you try to convince yourself to accept that this is part of human.If they are humans,then you are always an angel.
October 20, 2006
October 12, 2006
When I look through the years...
=) Mk,this is for you because you gave me this idea to tell out my short 17 years which I had gone through.
When I was born,
I was a winter baby.According to mom,I was the heaviest baby (around 7-9 pounds) among my siblings.Many of them agreed that I looked alike as my elder sister and my father.
When I was 2 ,
My Mom told me that I loved to stare at them innocently whenever I saw them eating in front of me.xD And obviously they had always got to share their food with me to not feel guilty.What an evil me!!I bit my sister's tummy for blocking my way.It was one of the most regretful thing which I had done in my life,and I feel so sorry to her.
When I was 3 /4/5 ,
-Didn't quite remember what had happened.But my cousin-Jun yee was my best confidant at that time.He was the one playing with me every time I went back to Ipoh.Had a very great neighbour,our families became very good friend,and I got to know my neighbour's son.I called him "bing bing",and I supposed he was the only one who knew my nickname, "ah b",that was what he used to call me.He was a good childhood friend of mine.
-Entered a kindergarden in my residential area.It was my first time receiving a present from my teacher when I got the 1st in class.I joined a mini concert of my kindergarden in the same year.
When I was 6,
I shifted from Sg.Buloh to P.J.I never had a chance to keep long hair,I was always with my boyish hairstyle.Music came into my life and I was fortunate enough to have learnt a music instrument at the kindergarden,I forgot what is its name though.First time dressed in robe on my graduation day.
When I was 7,
I started my primary school life in Yuk Chai,I felt very excited since the first day I came into this new environment.I got to know many new friends,and Mabel was definitely one of them.
We weren't so close at that time.
When I was 8,
I met a schoolmate who had the same chinese name as me,but different sirname,she was Er Pei Wen.She was a popular and pretty student in class.
I felt very disappointed when I was not chosen as a prefect.Perhaps I'm always not the good ones in every teacher's heart.
When I was 9,
Enjoyed colouring very much and I joined lots of colouring competition at any shopping malls that were existed.My supportive parents brought me to here and there just to fulfil my interest,and I felt guilty for being so demanding.
My class teacher was "Hong Lao Shi".Just like her name,she was easily spotted in school because she often dressed herself in red with every of her accesories red.I sat at the first row with Geoh Soon.And I mixed with a bunch of them-Miew San,Mabel,Geoh Soon,Jeffrey.
I became a librarian in school and there I met the most annoying library teacher,she was just like a trapped tiger in school,staying in the library.
When I was 10,
I persuaded my mom to allow me to learn piano.I felt lucky to have learnt this great thing and I just could not give up on it.Each music note,each melody swings my mood out at different period in my childhood life.My first piano teacher-Ms Julie was one of the greatest teacher I've ever had.I just love music.
When I was 11,
I joined the girl guides and became a group leader.I just wonder why would I choose it at that time...,why huh??
I was in the same class as Yih Chien,Hui Yee,Khor Yan and Hwei Yoong.And there I met my strongest competitor in academic field-Justin.It was always 2 of us ho fought for the top 2,but he always wins.
Finally,I had experienced the feeling of being a prefect.It was not the fame and power given that brought me the satisfaction,but it was the belief and respect which I gained from my juniors.Looking at the small little kids,calling me "xun cha yuan" and giving me money which they found on the floor.They made me realise the responsibility of showing a good example to them as a prefect,it is just more than wearing the name tag and tie.
When I was 12,
Justin and I entered 6K.It was probably one of the best year I had in my life.I felt happy with this new study environment eventhough I was showered with pressure and homework everyday.I really enjoy the sweet memories which all of the 6k-rians had gone through,from newspaper collection,tuition at "huang lao shi's" place to dancing competition.6K was the place where I found all my "souls" in my life which always live in my heart,you know who you are.
We did make fun on a certain" special" friends of ours,and there all the nicknames was created for them such as dudu,lalaXXXX etc.It was my first time being accused by a teacher for copying answers during examination.I didn't gain any believe from them.I was still not good enough to move their heart.
When I was 13,
I chosed a different path to go through and all of us were seperated from each other.Life changed tremendously in this totally new and strange place.I felt the loneliness at every single step I took,and I once thought that no one would understand that."maybe what I need is just time",I told myself.Life wasn't any better since then.I realised that nothing was going to change even though million times I protested for myself.However,I'm grateful to have known some friends like Valerie,who's actually my neighbour for all the years,Eileen and Winney.We all came from a chinese school,I think this was what brought us together!!
When I was 14,
I was nominated to become a prefect,and once started a short probation.However,it didn;t end up like what it was supposed to be when I decided to quit from the prefectorial board for many reasons.Being a prefect just wouldn't make me feel the same as what I felt last time.Due to this,I was scolded by the discipline teacher for being so high up and refused to take her advice."you are just so sombong","I hope that you will not regret once you have left"was the last 2 sentences she threw to me before I left.Perhaps I'm still imperfect according to them.
When I was 15,
It was the PMR year,I went through a busy life with packed schedule,everything was planned.I started learning japanese and I love it to bits,never regret to learn it eventhough it's exhausting after going through all the daily activities."I'm learning for my passion,and therefore I'm not tired",that was what I always tell myself.In october,I was hit by a birthday suprise by Valerie,Eileen and Winney at Sunway Pyramid.It was very shocking but I felt a warm and touched.It was a great suprise when I got 8A's in PMR.Everyone expected that would happen on me ,only I didn't believe the ability and potential in me.Maybe I'm just lucky!!
When I was16,
I struggled hard between art stream and science stream.I chosed the later one.I've doubts on my choice,but I know it's a t-junction,once I've chosen my route,there's isn't any u-turn but 200% effort was what I need to put in.Life wasn't so bad when I met with my old classmates in Form 1,one of them was Fui Pin.She was really a smart and helpful friend .If I ever strike all A's in SPM,partly it was due to her guidance and morale support to boost my confidence.Betrayers and idiots were always around,but I chosed to ignore them.Time spinned faster and faster and I didn't have much opportunity to be with my buddy,but they always live in my heart regardless the distance which seperates us far apart.It was true enough when they gave me another suprise on my birthday.The choclate cake was really nice!!My eldest sister got married.I always shed a tear in my room when I saw the pillow beside me."nothing is going to change,and my love for my family will always stay",I told myself.
When I am 17,
It is already my fifth year in SA,from depression to numb I would say.Studying in this school has really changed me a lot,maybe to both good and bad sister.I'm very much annoyed by our current principal,not to mention her name.My sister sister was married just a few weeks back.
17 would be the end of my highschool life.Maybe it's to early to make a conclusion for my teenager life,but it's plain happy,just life different flavours of ice-cream.There'll be time where I face depression and times where I feel that I've conquered my life.I'm grateful to have met many great people which light up my life.Every flower that blossoms in my heart and every angel that walks past my life and lend a hand on me whenever I fall has always made me to deepen my thought and have a clearer vision of my life.
I do not know how much I can do for everyone of them,how much I can offer my help to needy people,but I really hope to do something good in my life ,to fill my life to the fullest without any regrets.I know I'll never be the good ones to some people,I'm always not the good one though.But I'm just hoping to live my life in a better way and have a deeper understanding about life.I'm just thankful to have the chance to go through a life as a human.what a human!!!
When I was born,I was a winter baby.According to mom,I was the heaviest baby (around 7-9 pounds) among my siblings.Many of them agreed that I looked alike as my elder sister and my father.
When I was 2 ,My Mom told me that I loved to stare at them innocently whenever I saw them eating in front of me.xD And obviously they had always got to share their food with me to not feel guilty.What an evil me!!I bit my sister's tummy for blocking my way.It was one of the most regretful thing which I had done in my life,and I feel so sorry to her.
When I was 3 /4/5 ,-Didn't quite remember what had happened.But my cousin-Jun yee was my best confidant at that time.He was the one playing with me every time I went back to Ipoh.Had a very great neighbour,our families became very good friend,and I got to know my neighbour's son.I called him "bing bing",and I supposed he was the only one who knew my nickname, "ah b",that was what he used to call me.He was a good childhood friend of mine.
-Entered a kindergarden in my residential area.It was my first time receiving a present from my teacher when I got the 1st in class.I joined a mini concert of my kindergarden in the same year.
When I was 6,I shifted from Sg.Buloh to P.J.I never had a chance to keep long hair,I was always with my boyish hairstyle.Music came into my life and I was fortunate enough to have learnt a music instrument at the kindergarden,I forgot what is its name though.First time dressed in robe on my graduation day.
When I was 7,I started my primary school life in Yuk Chai,I felt very excited since the first day I came into this new environment.I got to know many new friends,and Mabel was definitely one of them.
We weren't so close at that time.
When I was 8,I met a schoolmate who had the same chinese name as me,but different sirname,she was Er Pei Wen.She was a popular and pretty student in class.
I felt very disappointed when I was not chosen as a prefect.Perhaps I'm always not the good ones in every teacher's heart.
When I was 9,Enjoyed colouring very much and I joined lots of colouring competition at any shopping malls that were existed.My supportive parents brought me to here and there just to fulfil my interest,and I felt guilty for being so demanding.
My class teacher was "Hong Lao Shi".Just like her name,she was easily spotted in school because she often dressed herself in red with every of her accesories red.I sat at the first row with Geoh Soon.And I mixed with a bunch of them-Miew San,Mabel,Geoh Soon,Jeffrey.
I became a librarian in school and there I met the most annoying library teacher,she was just like a trapped tiger in school,staying in the library.
When I was 10,I persuaded my mom to allow me to learn piano.I felt lucky to have learnt this great thing and I just could not give up on it.Each music note,each melody swings my mood out at different period in my childhood life.My first piano teacher-Ms Julie was one of the greatest teacher I've ever had.I just love music.
When I was 11,I joined the girl guides and became a group leader.I just wonder why would I choose it at that time...,why huh??
I was in the same class as Yih Chien,Hui Yee,Khor Yan and Hwei Yoong.And there I met my strongest competitor in academic field-Justin.It was always 2 of us ho fought for the top 2,but he always wins.
Finally,I had experienced the feeling of being a prefect.It was not the fame and power given that brought me the satisfaction,but it was the belief and respect which I gained from my juniors.Looking at the small little kids,calling me "xun cha yuan" and giving me money which they found on the floor.They made me realise the responsibility of showing a good example to them as a prefect,it is just more than wearing the name tag and tie.
When I was 12,Justin and I entered 6K.It was probably one of the best year I had in my life.I felt happy with this new study environment eventhough I was showered with pressure and homework everyday.I really enjoy the sweet memories which all of the 6k-rians had gone through,from newspaper collection,tuition at "huang lao shi's" place to dancing competition.6K was the place where I found all my "souls" in my life which always live in my heart,you know who you are.
We did make fun on a certain" special" friends of ours,and there all the nicknames was created for them such as dudu,lalaXXXX etc.It was my first time being accused by a teacher for copying answers during examination.I didn't gain any believe from them.I was still not good enough to move their heart.
When I was 13,I chosed a different path to go through and all of us were seperated from each other.Life changed tremendously in this totally new and strange place.I felt the loneliness at every single step I took,and I once thought that no one would understand that."maybe what I need is just time",I told myself.Life wasn't any better since then.I realised that nothing was going to change even though million times I protested for myself.However,I'm grateful to have known some friends like Valerie,who's actually my neighbour for all the years,Eileen and Winney.We all came from a chinese school,I think this was what brought us together!!
When I was 14,I was nominated to become a prefect,and once started a short probation.However,it didn;t end up like what it was supposed to be when I decided to quit from the prefectorial board for many reasons.Being a prefect just wouldn't make me feel the same as what I felt last time.Due to this,I was scolded by the discipline teacher for being so high up and refused to take her advice."you are just so sombong","I hope that you will not regret once you have left"was the last 2 sentences she threw to me before I left.Perhaps I'm still imperfect according to them.
When I was 15,It was the PMR year,I went through a busy life with packed schedule,everything was planned.I started learning japanese and I love it to bits,never regret to learn it eventhough it's exhausting after going through all the daily activities."I'm learning for my passion,and therefore I'm not tired",that was what I always tell myself.In october,I was hit by a birthday suprise by Valerie,Eileen and Winney at Sunway Pyramid.It was very shocking but I felt a warm and touched.It was a great suprise when I got 8A's in PMR.Everyone expected that would happen on me ,only I didn't believe the ability and potential in me.Maybe I'm just lucky!!
When I was16,I struggled hard between art stream and science stream.I chosed the later one.I've doubts on my choice,but I know it's a t-junction,once I've chosen my route,there's isn't any u-turn but 200% effort was what I need to put in.Life wasn't so bad when I met with my old classmates in Form 1,one of them was Fui Pin.She was really a smart and helpful friend .If I ever strike all A's in SPM,partly it was due to her guidance and morale support to boost my confidence.Betrayers and idiots were always around,but I chosed to ignore them.Time spinned faster and faster and I didn't have much opportunity to be with my buddy,but they always live in my heart regardless the distance which seperates us far apart.It was true enough when they gave me another suprise on my birthday.The choclate cake was really nice!!My eldest sister got married.I always shed a tear in my room when I saw the pillow beside me."nothing is going to change,and my love for my family will always stay",I told myself.
When I am 17,It is already my fifth year in SA,from depression to numb I would say.Studying in this school has really changed me a lot,maybe to both good and bad sister.I'm very much annoyed by our current principal,not to mention her name.My sister sister was married just a few weeks back.
17 would be the end of my highschool life.Maybe it's to early to make a conclusion for my teenager life,but it's plain happy,just life different flavours of ice-cream.There'll be time where I face depression and times where I feel that I've conquered my life.I'm grateful to have met many great people which light up my life.Every flower that blossoms in my heart and every angel that walks past my life and lend a hand on me whenever I fall has always made me to deepen my thought and have a clearer vision of my life.
I do not know how much I can do for everyone of them,how much I can offer my help to needy people,but I really hope to do something good in my life ,to fill my life to the fullest without any regrets.I know I'll never be the good ones to some people,I'm always not the good one though.But I'm just hoping to live my life in a better way and have a deeper understanding about life.I'm just thankful to have the chance to go through a life as a human.what a human!!!
Something Funny
I found out something which attracted me a lot today,haha,it was just a simple game to test the celebrity look in you.Curiosity kills the cat,so I decided to give it a try to see which celebrities are actually the inner part of me.xDSo,I simple picked a single picture of me which I took last year to take the test because it requires a single photo of a person.
This is what I got.
I think this was something funny because these are the people that I've never thought of.How could we have things in common when we don't look alike at all..I mean,not even 10%??
To be honest,I can't compete with them in any aspect,there isn't a fight at all because the winner is obvious,xD!!
However,this is quite an interesting thing to try on,xD do not blame me if you don't get the celebrity you want!!To test on the accuracy of it,I uploaded another picture of mine where I wore make-up.It came out with another totally different result!!
The thing that pissed me off was one of the celebrities displayed was a guy!!Huh,and he is yama-P!!People,what do you seriously think about this??
Peeps,remember to try this on and post your result to me,xD!!
This is what I got.
I think this was something funny because these are the people that I've never thought of.How could we have things in common when we don't look alike at all..I mean,not even 10%??
To be honest,I can't compete with them in any aspect,there isn't a fight at all because the winner is obvious,xD!!
However,this is quite an interesting thing to try on,xD do not blame me if you don't get the celebrity you want!!To test on the accuracy of it,I uploaded another picture of mine where I wore make-up.It came out with another totally different result!!
The thing that pissed me off was one of the celebrities displayed was a guy!!Huh,and he is yama-P!!People,what do you seriously think about this??
Peeps,remember to try this on and post your result to me,xD!!
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