Just recently, I skype a lot with my friends who now live in Kiwi, Kangaroo, or Hibiscus land. Half of them come from other states in Malaysia, but somehow destiny brought us together and we’ve become intimate friends. We’re so close that we talk about everything openly, without having to worry that it’ll leave them a bad impression on me,because I’m all that to them.
So they are willing to open up themselves to me after knowing each other for years, and revealed secrets that I didn’t know at all. Many of them told me the same thing about their first impression on people who were born and live in the city,
I didn’t really give it a deep thought when I first heard it from Lian,
She said:K.L ( my hometown) people are nasty and materialistic, especially K.L girls.
And then Susie came to tell me :When I first came to K.L, people in here are cold and materialistic.
Then the third person, Lawrence said similar thing to me last week.
It was then I started giving a second thought on their impression towards K.L people, meanwhile feeling so bad for making them feel that way about us, the K.L people. Based on my experiences, I did come across with nasty and super materialistic people since secondary school. Backstabbers, users, liars are nothing new to me.
I started up meeting new friends with a pure heart, but over the years it’s getting more and more ‘contaminated’ that I can’t treat every new friend with the same attitude anymore. No one knows when I’ve given my best to them, some friends can’t stop demanding something from me, and abuse every of my kindness, hard work, and lastly, trust.
Things like,
Either steal all my work or leave most of the work for me, and then crown their names on it.
Back stabbed and lied to me as easy as drinking water.
That’s when I think ‘kind’ is not a compliment.
Banged the table when my friends and I refused to donate money for a charitable organization.
Brought me along without telling me her plan. I was just a bait for her to know someone and date.
That’s when I think, 7 years of friendship lost to a guy.
Targeted me immediately when he couldn’t get my best friend and made promises so easily.
That’s when I think, sometimes guys just need a companion, not a girlfriend.
Liked me out of some motives, including money.
That’s when I think, would it be better if I didn’t have anything to start with.
Yup, all these happened on me before, and I came up with 2 conclusions:
1. Some people only need me in times of hardships, depressions, companion or whenever they need help, and that's it.
2. Don't expect much from the others, have more faith in yourself.
Every incident seems small when we look at it on an individual basis, but it becomes a pain when too many of them accumulate, till one point I feel so numb that I don't know how should I react.Because I know the feeling, I never wanted the same shattered pieces of things and people coming back to me again.
It takes time for me to believe it when people say I’m their best friend.To them, I may be like a convenient store, always available for something.
That happened. Some friends left me when they got something.
I hesitate a lot when guys confess to me; I can’t see the reason why. Maybe they just need a temporary companion, and I happened to pass by and play the role well.
That happened. Guy friends thanked me and appreciated my help,then they walked away with another girl.
I take it more as a joke when a guy says: You’re special. You’re the kind of girl that guys would like to protect.
I smiled, but I knew we might not be able to make it. And that happened because 3 months later, he forgot my birthday. 3 years later, he didn’t bother to say hi to me anymore.
I don’t believe in forever, because things change, people change.
That’s when I became more optimistic, and chose to forgive and forget.
If there weren’t supposed to be expectation and hope at first, then I wasn’t losing anything, but I just went on without that expectation and hope.
In the end, the environment that we live in may not be the biggest problem, because heroes and villains don’t flock around together anywhere, they are found everywhere. When a person’s heart is locked up and trust diminishes, then it would be so difficult to open it up again. Sometimes, being materialistic is just a way for people to protect themselves from things they really lack, in which materials may be able to compensate with that. If not, at least materials can bring physical security and stability in daily lives, then they won’t have to worry about one more problem in their lives. This world is full of imperfections and selfishness, instead of having so much hope on someone, it's always good to keep the hope and faith in yourself and do your best to make good things happen.
In the end, my biggest enemy falls on the same soul which created me, which is myself.
passed-by
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