It was my first time seeing my best friend cried. I’ve never seen this side of him before, and because of that, I was totally speechless for the first time.Speechless, because his pain is beyond my imagination; speechless, because what he needs is some time to cry his heart out. You know how this feeling goes, when your best friend cries, your tears will start cascading down your face as well, because it hurts so bad to see your best friend cries.
He said I’m tough when it comes to love problems, but I know I can be as fragile as anyone else, the truth is just that no one knows when I’m crying. What I knew was that I didn't want to be given artificial hope by the one anymore. Never.If I don’t be cruel to myself for at least once, then I can only stay as a fragile piece of glass for the entire life. So what I did to myself in these few months was to lose in touch a bit by a bit with the one until it didn’t matter much to me if he is there or not. Firstly there’s no meet up, slowly followed up by no phone calls, no reminiscence, no blog updates, no facebook, and lastly, nearly zero msn conversation.
“我们都没错 只是不适合”
It might sound a bit extreme but somehow that’s the most efficient way for me to get rid of the depressive side of me. Seriously, I had no idea how did I go through all these for so long, but I know I’ve made it this far somehow. A lot of times I’m just like you, I ask myself why must it be me? What did I do wrong to deserve all these? No matter how many times I’ve asked myself the same question, there’s always only the empty air in the sky which answers my question.
“快乐是我的 不是你给的 寂寞要自己负责”
So many sleepless nights accompanied me and hundreds and hundreds of songs filled up the night. So many comforts I had heard but nothing really changed the reality. So many evenings I had spent with the sunset and also night walks. So many times I’ve looked down on myself and lost the last bit of confidence in me. So many nights I cried myself to sleep. So much, so much I’ve gone through when I’m still smiling in front of you guys, so much that I don’t know where the courage derives from. I don’t understand why is everyone so confident in me when things aren’t as good as they assume to be.
“选择是我的 不是你给的 明天要自己负责”
But I know crying won’t change anything, it just makes you feel better after the rain. Also, I’m not an escapist anymore, I don’t leave when things don’t go my way, I’ve learnt to stand still and prevail instead. I told myself to keep out of all these and rely on myself and the other friends when I need help. I know he’s never the one I can rely on. And most importantly, love is never the only happiness in my life. It’s not everything, it’s just a part of it.Sometimes, it's really better to forget everything with that someone and let the new life takes its toll on me. So I chose to grant myself a new life and new circle of friends while giving my full blessings to him.
I knew if I wanted to smile genuinely happy in front of him someday, I needed to be this cruel to myself first.
I'm so glad that I did it now, I really did it!! I can't say that I don't miss him at all for now, but a new life has slowly crept in and I'm getting happier with my current life. He's no longer my pillar strength anymore, neither is he the major indicator in my happiness nowadays. I have slowly moved forward and found a new life.
”若我们再见 我会微笑”
Slowly, my faith in him died.
Don’t feel bad for me because I’ve stopped sympathizing myself a long time ago. I think many of you may not know this much until today, but most of you sure know me well, when I can finally tell out my feelings, that means it doesn’t matter much to me to tell out the story now. That means, it’s now the right time to reveal everything and then go home with a grateful heart.
“绕一圈 今天的我能和昨天面对面”
What I’m really longing for is this best friend of mine to go on a recovery gradually and start to see the other beautiful things around him again.
What I’m really longing for is to hug all my friends and family when I return.
What I’m really waiting for is to patch up the pieces and pieces of self-confidence again.
Lastly,
祝你幸福
