‘When you become who you wanted to be, don't forget why you wanted to be that person in the first place.’
It was in my secondary classmate, Adila’s facebook profile that I saw this sentence and it struck in my Saturday afternoon.
I’ve been looking for my role in life most of the time, because all the while I think, my existence was merely a surprise, since God gave me a chance to live humanly, I should firstly appreciate the ones who brought me to this world, before planting some self-esteem in me. Because they didn’t give up on me, that’s why there is not a valid reason that I should give up on myself at all means.
So I started my journey to look up for the perfect position that can fit me in since young. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a smart person, and I strived hard to keep up with my promise. Workbooks and tuitions were my good friends because of all the guarantees they would have made to my future. I never thought that I put on a lot of pressure in myself, because I knew I could live through it in exchange for a good grade. No one in class even bothered looking at my results because I wasn’t a top scorer, neither was I a teacher’s pet. In the end, I realized it was nothing that I achieved but I already felt tired with my life, the inhumane homework and tuition.
‘And so I asked: Why did I want to become a smart person in the first place?’
And then I moved on, I still wanted to be an outstanding academic performer, but being able to enjoy my life, at least by a bit, I hoped. My tuition classes reduced slightly and I had more outings with friends and family. I would still sleep on my books and memorizing history deadly when examinations were around the corner, I mind my marks and class position very much. But a little different from the past,I enjoyed myself better this time round because I had more outdoor activities. I still followed strictly to curfews and mom’s advices,mainly because I didn’t need a reason to offend it.
‘And so they said: A mummy’s girl who doesn’t dare to be rebellious, do you live for your parents?’
They didn’t tell me straight off on my face, but it didn’t feel any better to have discovered this through other sources.
‘I started to think: Why was I a mummy’s girl?’
I then realized I wasn’t very brilliant or smart, so I accepted the truth to live according to my level and bear with it. This time, I just want to be an average person and do my best for everything that I'm concerned with. I believe more in the learning process which will lead to a better outcome, but not just skipping right to the results without looking at the path you've taken. Also, I tried different sorts of things to find out my interest, and live the way I want it to be while respecting my parents’ decision. Because they didn’t give up on me, that’s why I should prove myself to them, in a different way. I want to contribute to the society, through actions and knowledge. Of course, it is too early for me to say anything, but I’m much more willing to give my life away for a meaningful reason, like doing charity work, donating blood and organs, sharing my friend’s problems etcetera, to give my support.
Because everyone will die one day, and it’s not those that you can’t carry with you that make you cry, but those that you’ve done and can carry with you that give you a reason to smile.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be smart because of the glorious moments and awards I would receive. It was the fame that stole my thoughts and made me live for it, although I didn’t achieve anything big in the end.
Till I was a teenager, I still wanted to be as outstanding as possible,because I didn’t want to lay back and wait for the others to go ahead of me.
But I’m already a young adult now, sometimes I even think I’m childish enough to be a “Kidult’’, I understand that it is an undeniable fact that there are millions of people lining up in front of me, in terms of talent,performance,appearance, that there is nothing I poccess to outcompete them. I don’t feel sorry for being so kiasu in the past, because it has injected confidence in me.However, I can now channel this kiasu-ness to produce more significant and charitable activities, but not to get ahead of the others. I was happy to be a mummy’s girl, because that gave me no reason to guilt on things I wish I could have never said it out and done it to my parents.These were the stepping stones for me to understand, who do I actually want to be.
Because of all these, I began to see myself and the best place for me to stand in; to be myself and still never give up. I can still use my tiny power to help, obey and achieve, to respect life and bite it hard. I don’t need to be angry to those who kicked me hard and never able to leave a footprint in my heart, because they just missed out some of the good parts in my life, that never mattered to them anyway. We just didn’t make it through.
That's why,I chose to be a happy and healthy person who knows how to appreciate, like how mom and dad would pray for me all the time.
Fortunately, I’m one for now and I know why I want it so badly. Because I give my life away to the 2 persons that gave me a life, mom and dad.
Why??You think raising a child is so easy?? I daresay that babysitting is such a restless and sacrificing job, the hardest task in life ever,because I've experienced it.Also due to the experience as a babysitter,it enriches my life and roots my appreciation towards my mother.
I finally understand, that I was, and am already at the best position all these while, just that I didn’t realize, it is important to make the ones beside us happy, rather than dreaming on the impossible, which won’t last long even when they become possible.
Thank you for giving me a chance.
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