I always believe that friendship is a very pure and trustworthy relationship in life and should not be mess up for any reason.The reason why I do not have many friends is because all of them who stand beside me are already my close friends.I know that I am not lonely.It is not that I dislike mixing with new friends,but true friends are the golds to be appreaciated in life.It requires many years of understanding before one really gets closer to another,one can reads one's mind.
This friend is one who I've known for quite some time.I treat her as a good friend but she doesn't seem to appreaciate my love to her as a friend.I try my best to always put my manner as first when I talk to her because I do not want to throw a tanthrum on her,although she's the one who will really fire me up.I come to a point to realise her characteristics after knowing her for the second year.At that time,I do believe her in anything she does is not to harm me and hurt my feelings,maybe she thinks that I'm helpful..perhaps!!
Our conflicts become more and more problematic and my trust to her is decreasing gradually.The words she say can't go into my heart anymore,but it looks more like a needle which pokes through any of my organs.I try my best to help her without crossing my boundaries and principals,she will only remember me when it comes to small matters or when she's in help.She knows that I'll hardly reject her need.So,she not only expects me to fuifil every of her demand,but she starts to rush me and shows me the typical grumpy face whenever I can't do what she wants.I tell myself,am I really a true friend of her or just a good user of her?Does she really feel the same like what I feel for her?The first person she'll share her things will never be me but another of my friend.Told you,most of the time she turns to me is because of a problem,as though I'm a good problem solver.
Until my birthday came,I really do see how she thinks of our friendship.Last Sunday which was also my birthday,I received her sms.It was at the midnight of Sunday.My stupidity thought that she would send me a message to wish me.I was stupid enough to even think about that.When I opened the message and started to read her sms,I knew that I was really very wrong.She was confirming with me on when I can settle the things of her.I still couldn't see any wishes throughout the sms.I was not hoping that she would give me anything on my birthday,because I didn't expect her to do anything good just for me.But does she really need to be that mean ?
A simple message could allow me to see through so many things,our friendship lies openly in this message,our friendship lost to a sms,and also lost to the obstacles we have for each other.She lets me feel that no matter how hard I try,I just can't go through her heart and become her one true friend.Good friend is what she says,but I understand that good friend is just not as simple as her saying. It is not that I didn't try to build our friendship,but some of her acts really annoy me a whole lot.Sad enough,another of my friends tends to stand more on herside,and I will never win on my stand,never!Everyone just believes her,and I always lose out.She makes me feel that I'm a big loser.I lose to myself,lose to my believe to her.
I do not want to treat our friendship as a competition,where the winner wins in it.I do not want to think that out friendship is fragile,where loyalty and trustworthy always fail.I do not want to measure our friendship ,where the one with the greatest power tends to be the better.I just want to be a friend where we can share happiness together,not only do you remember me and look back to me when you fall apart.You will wave to me when you receive the greatest success and joyness in life.And you would not want to beat me in academic aspect simple because I beat you in a certain subject.I do not want to see our friendship to be so materialistic ,that everything is just based on help but not sharing.
Either you hate me or you think that I'm just too convenient and reachable,this is not what matters most,because just like what I say,once a user,forever a user.I'm just a too good user to you,where you use up every bit of me for your own good.You get the time to study comfortably where I'm rushing to finish up your things.What I think is so wrong last time,you've proved it all to me.You can't repay every drop of tears I fall for you,every help I did to you.I'll still smile to you but suppose you'll understand what has happened in past time,it's already happened.I tend to hear a voice,asking me to let go something which is a wrong beggining,is a wrong start at first,it is just that I wanted to prove that I was right,when I was wrong.
Mk,I do get what you meant in your latest post.I've gone through the similar experience.Maybe we are just too good users of the others,until it comes to an extreme where it bursts all out,just like that.Idiots will always stay the same no matter how hard you try to convince yourself to accept that this is part of human.If they are humans,then you are always an angel.
No comments:
Post a Comment